


A Crack-y Day in the Morning

by Meilan_Firaga



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Punisher (TV 2017), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, April Fool's Day Crack-Fest, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 10:05:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18333782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meilan_Firaga/pseuds/Meilan_Firaga
Summary: 10 days, 10 prompts! My collection of individual ficlets for the 2019 Darcyland Crack Challenge. Multiple pairings and wild premises in abundance!Chapter 1 is an Index. The rest are the fics.





	1. Index

**Author's Note:**

> I had intended to start posting these right on the first, but of course I'm behind. -_-; Better late than never!

  1. Taser Mishaps - Darcy Lewis/Frank Castle - Teen & Up
  2. An unexplainable predicament to explain
  3. Stuck in an air vent
  4. Must Include Magnets
  5. A Literal Eraser
  6. Must Include Glowsticks
  7. Strange iPod Locations
  8. Anti-gravity
  9. Must Include Packing Peanuts
  10. Mistaken Flirtation




	2. Taser Mishaps - Darcy Lewis/Frank Castle - Teen & Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 01: Taser Mishaps

In an ideal world you got to retire from organizing notes and getting coffee when a super hot alien crashed your boss’ super science field excursion. In a great world retirement was definitely in order after significantly less attractive aliens crashed the whole of London and you kinda-sorta accidentally made out with your boring intern because you thought death was surely coming. In even a moderately okay world you definitely got to retire after the semi-shady government agency your boss finally agreed to work for so you’d both have dental and a living wage turned out to be overrun with nazis. 

All in all, Darcy was really disappointed that she lived in neither an ideal nor even a moderately okay world.

No, instead she lived in a world where the shadowy government agency lived on in secret and she was still working the astrophysics grind with Jane. Their funding had evaporated with the public face of S.H.I.E.L.D., so they were back to rambling over the countryside with homemade equipment and an RV that had seen better days. Thor had offered to talk to Tony Stark about funding Jane’s work— an offer that Darcy wholeheartedly supported— but because he kept wandering off to do big universe stuff he wouldn’t share details about Jane had gotten a little anti-Thor. His visits were getting fewer and farther between, and the longer he was gone the more that suited Jane just fine. It hurt Darcy to see her bestie and her thunder-bro heading for splitsville, but she got it. She just wished Jane would accept the damn funding. A shower in a decent hotel instead of in some fleabag motel they rented by the hour to get clean or taken with a hose behind a curtain they’d strung up around the back of the RV would be nice.

They were somewhere in Michigan parked at a highway rest area when Darcy realized she was being followed. Jane was having a nap in the RV on the tail end of a three day calculations bender, so Darcy was taking laps around the picnic area and the short trails behind the small building where travelers could walk their dogs. Her tail was good. He didn’t shuffle after her up the trails but instead paced the sidewalk on the other side of the building, pretending to smoke a cigarette while he sauntered back and forth where he’d always be able to see her through the trees. She might not have noticed him at all if he weren’t the only other person at the rest area besides her and Jane. And if he hadn’t been there the whole three hours she’d been letting her favorite astrophysicist sleep.

She could leave it alone. Jane would probably tell her that she should until they could get somewhere where they could call for help. Jane, though, also like to conveniently forget that Thor’s all-seeing buddy was watching them like a hawk just in case they got into trouble they couldn’t handle. Heimdall was almost a little paranoid after the whole aether thing.

So, instead she wandered off the trail, heading deeper into the woods. When she was sure he’d lost sight of her for just a second she ducked behind a tree and stood perfectly still, her taser in her hand. It wasn’t long before she heard the very faintest signs of pursuit. When a twig cracked within the tasers ranged she whipped around the tree and fired. The prongs connected with the center of his chest and he swore, dropping to one knee.

“I am—” he forced out through gritted teeth. “—your security detail—” He swore again, forcing himself back up to his feet. “—you trigger-happy bitch.” With a vicious yank he pulled the prongs free and tossed them to the ground. 

In response, Darcy sat down on the tree roots at her feet and laughed so hard tears sprang to her eyes. The line of spiky words trailing around her chest just below her bra practically sizzled as the soulmate magic settled into place. Through the laughter and tears she finally looked up at her soulmate’s bewildered face. Dark eyes and cheekbones that could cut glass. His nose had clearly been broken on more than one occasion—one of them she suspected was fairly recent. Beneath the faded ball cap on his head a his dark hair appeared to be cropped short. He had maybe a month’s worth of beard covering his chin, but she recognized that face all the same. Everyone in S.H.I.E.L.D. had been briefed about Frank Castle.

“ — and I owed Maria Hill a favor,” he said, continuing some explanation she hadn’t been paying attention to. “So here I am.” He crossed his arms over his chest, staring down that crooked nose at her. “No wonder you need a fucking babysitter,” he muttered after a moment. “You just gonna sit there and giggle?”

She plastered on the brightest smile she could muster and popped the cartridge out of her taser. “I always knew my soulmate would have to be some kind of idiot to have words that would be this level of self-fulfilling prophecy,” she quipped, internally delighting at the way his face took on something close to panic, “but a guy who thinks pretending to smoke is how to lowkey keep an eye on someone kinda takes the cake.”

Darcy expected him to do any number of things when he realized they were soulmates. The unconscious gesture of rubbing his hand over his ribs seemed to indicate that was where the words she’d just said were written. His face was carefully blank, and she was sure he was doing that on purpose to keep her from knowing what was going on in that frequently concussed noggin. She expected everything he did up until he turned around and walked away without another word. When she finally recovered from her shock enough to head back to the RV his car was gone from the lot.

She didn’t see him again until they got to Wisconsin and stopped to visit The House on the Rock. Darcy’s one demand on the cross-country journey was that they stop for a few tourist traps that she had on her ever-growing bucket list. After reading American Gods she’d become obsessed with the weirdo house just outside of Madison. Jane had absolutely zero interest, so Darcy left her with the RV after she’d been fed and watered for the day and took a bus out to the site. 

She also took the battery cables out of the engine so the scientist couldn’t wander off without her, but hopefully Jane wouldn’t figure that out before she got back.

He appeared at her side in one of the many weirdo rooms while she was staring at a giant sea creature hanging down from the ceiling. His beard was gone, trimmed back to an attractive day and a half worth of stubble instead. The baseball cap was still there, pulled low to hide his face from passerby. She’d never understand why that worked. She thought all the guys who used that trick were pretty memorable whether they had a hat on or not. After several long moments of silence during which she counted teeth in the sea creature’s mouth he stepped in front of her and leaned back against the railing that separated them from the attraction.

“Sorry I ran.” The apology was quiet and spoken somewhere in the direction of her left knee. His posture was all casual, but she’d been around soldiers enough to recognize when one was putting on airs to make sure they had the best view of the room. “I never thought I’d meet my soulmate. I—“ he trailed off and Darcy’s brain chose that moment to vomit up parts of his file she’d conveniently forgotten since finding out his words were the ones printed on her body. “I was married. She was unmarked.” His eyes lifted to fix on a spot somewhere behind her left shoulder. “She died.”

“I’m sorry.” She really was. If the files were even half accurate what had been done to his wife and children was terrible. A sneaking suspicion that he’d been pondering whether or not it was his fault that Maria had died because he’d married her when he was meant for someone else took root in her mind, but Darcy knew it wasn’t the time. She could poke that bear after they’d gotten to the point of spending time together like normal humans.

He shifted his shoulders ever so slightly, like he was debating what to say. He settled quickly, though, and looked right in her eyes when he spoke. “I’m Frank Castle.”

There it was. She’d seen half the guys in S.H.I.E.L.D. pull that ‘I’m a dangerous person who doesn’t deserve love’ crap whenever their life was going too well. It figured that her soulmate was going to pull the same crap. At least he had the whole murdered dozens of people in the name of justice thing to give it a bit more justification. Still, Thor was her thunderbro and there was literally no counting the number of people he’d killed. Hell, he’d tried to start a war between planets because he was bored before he’d come to Earth on his little forced journey of discovery. She wasn’t about to take it from her freaking soulmate.

“Yeah,” Darcy mused, shrugging her shoulders in a bored manner. He wasn’t quite gaping at her when she gave him another brilliant smile. “That’d be why I tased you. Couldn’t be too sure you hadn’t mistaken me for some vicious mobster and were planning to take me out.” She lifted both hands and made  _ pew-pew _ noises as she fired finger guns at him. 

Frank laughed like he was startled to find something funny. The smile that followed his laughter was absolutely blinding. “How are you even real?”

“Most people don’t sound so happy when they ask that.” She waved an arm in the general direction of the exit. “Wanna get burgers? Do the whole get-to-know-you thing?”

He offered his elbow to lead her outside, tucking his hands into his pants pockets to pull her closer. They bickered about the best toppings as they made their way out to his car. Burgers was a start. She could work with burgers.


End file.
